A Trip with Me

Between the numbness and inability to cry a single tear now, and Sept 18th being our anniversary, I decided to pack up the car and take a trip to the beach. Since this would be my first solo trip to the beach (or anywhere for that matter) I was very apprehensive but was also sort of determined to do it.  I looked forward to it once the plans were made but as the date neared, I started feeling that same old fear that told me to cancel the whole thing because I wouldn’t be able to go through with it. I pushed through those feelings and left out on my road trip adventure.I went to Panama City Beach because it is close, we always went there, our usual condo was available, and I knew my way around. I wasn’t brave enough to try someplace totally different with it being my first time ever on a trip alone. It was a perfect weather day for traveling, and I made it down around 3pm only stopping once at the Florida line rest stop. There were times on the trip those sad feelings crept in, but I just cranked up the tunes that much louder to drown out the voices telling me to be afraid and that I couldn’t do this on my own. I knew I would not be totally alone once I got there because my aunt and uncle live about 30 mins from where I was staying. I met them a couple of times for dinner, and went over to swim in their pool one evening. It was nice to know someone was close by if it turned out I couldn’t handle things alone. I had shopping time, and shelling time, and contemplative beach time. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted, and it was just a weird new feeling. I mean, I do that at home but being away is different. This was me working to find my complete independence and trying to be ok with being alone and in complete silence. I used to look forward to rare times when I would have the house all to myself for a few hours and you may think being on a trip alone would be super peaceful. It was to an extent. But it was also lonely and too quiet. I found myself talking to no one in particular and to David just to hear a voice. And while I didn’t have to check in with anyone or have any place I needed to be, I found myself also feeling blue about not having anyone that actually cared about where I was and what I was doing. Everywhere I went, people were grouped or coupled up. I never noticed how much life was like that until I became a party of one. It is everywhere I turn, and when on a trip alone, it was even more glaringly apparent to me how alone I really am. The beach at the condo was crowded with tents and people, so one day, I went out to St. Andrews State Park. We always liked it there when SL was younger. She could swim and play in the water without us having to worry about big waves pulling her under. I found a treasure of shells and ended up going back the next day because I enjoyed it so much. While I was sitting on a bench giving a last look at the shells I was bringing back with me to make sure there were no living things in them, an older lady ambled up slightly out of breath and sat down next to me. She said she had to rest before going the rest of the way to the car. We talked a bit about what kind of shells I had and then she started to tell me about being on a girls’ trip. “A bunch of us old gals get together and come to the beach” She said she was headed back to their condo to relax while the rest stayed there. She said she told them “I ain’t afraid to be by myself” I chuckled inwardly thinking, ok…this is one of those moments. The universe has put her in my path so listen and see where this goes. It didn’t disappoint because she went on to tell me about her life and losing her husband a few years ago and how lonely she had been until she “took up with” a gentlemen in their church group. She said they got together for dinner and movies then went home to their separate houses and she really liked it that way. She said she didn’t think she would ever marry again but was glad to have a someone to do things with. I told her David had passed away some months ago and I was on my first trip without him. She asked how long we were together. We talked about feeling the loss, grief and all the things that go with that until the conversation sort of waned and she decided she had rested enough. She told me I was young and not to give up on myself. She asked me my name and that she would remember me. I asked her name and have since forgotten it, but I really didn’t need it to remember her. You can find connections in the least expected places. Driving out, I stopped for a side quest at Gator Lake and walked out on the boardwalk to see if I saw any actual gators. A couple showed me where they had spotted a small one near the edge, so I went over for a look. Indeed, there was a little guy, and I was able to get a camouflaged picture. I sat on the balcony at night listening to the sounds below and watching the kids with flashlights running up and down the beach. I had a lot of time to think, but I never thought a lot about anything. I enjoyed my little solo beach trip and on the way home, I saw the sign for Florida Caverns State Park and decided to detour. I had no place to be and no one expecting me. I let SL know where I was headed just in case trouble found me and took the 14 mile drive out of the way. The attendant let me in for free because I wasn’t planning to take the cave tour. It was described as a two hour guided tour and in confined spaces and I wasn’t looking to be stuck in a cave. So I visited the little museum and gift shop and got the coveted magnet proving I did something. Then I checked out some of the walking trails. I didn’t go too far because it was awfully hot but the paths were all accessible and paved. It was a nice park, and I think the caves and trails worth exploring if you are into that or have the time to spend. Apparently there are bats in the caves and that would be cool to see. I was proud of me for doing yet another thing I would never have dreamed of doing alone. Even being spontaneous is something David and I always wanted to be but when it came down to spontaneously turning right instead of continuing straight we were always like…”nah. maybe next time.” Little did we didn’t know there wouldn’t be any next times.

I left the park, and I got back on the road and continued home. Now that I know the anxiety won’t kill me, I can take more trips like that in my pursuit to learn who I am and how to be ok being with myself. It all sounds very Thoreauic when I am writing it, but it is just something people who have lost a life partner have to accept and learn or don’t and check out of life. And like the rest of life’s milestones and trials,  there is no handbook for how to do that. I don’t think I could have done it without the medication which I was opposed to taking. I am glad I reached out for help when I did. I don’t believe I would still be here had I not. Things are not getting easier, and I am still floating through the days as one bleeds into another. I am looking at starting a major kitchen renovation which I wasn’t expecting, and I expect it to bring with it more unexpected frustrating realities but being more functional without the threat of a nervous breakdown everyday makes things significantly more manageable. Lexapro is a hell of a drug.