May 1, 2026
Recently, I had a little project I wanted to do that may solve another issue I have but had no real idea how to do it. When I decided on my solution for what to get, I had to figure out how to make it work. This involved anxiety on my part of course because I am not really handy. At least I don’t think so. But not having this working solution also caused me anxiety. I think at this point, I am just a walking, frayed bundle of the stuff. Basically, that round squiggly legged cartoon character that used to come on between Saturday morning cartoons talking about hankering for a hunk of cheese. I feel like I am lugging around full robust side saddles filled with cortisol and stress. And now that I think about it, I wonder if this is where my obsession with cheese comes from…hmmm. Ok…”on with show this is it!” https://looneytunes.fandom.com/wiki/This_Is_It (Sorry. Another Saturday morning cartoon reference popped into my head as I was writing that) I know I have said before how handy David was and could do anything and everything. He just knew stuff if there ever was an occasion where he didn’t, one quick YouTube video or a page from his home guidebooks, and he would be right there doing it perfectly. I am so tired of having to find people to do things that keep popping up needing doing around the house. It never ends. First, I have to figure out who to ask that may know of someone that may can…and then calling or texting to actually ASK them is a whole other week of “what do I ask” and “what is a fair price” or worse yet, someone does it and won’t let me pay them. I know people do things like that because they want to because I do it too, but also, I usually don’t want to call them again because I don’t want them to feel like I am expecting it to be free. This does not include my cousins who are always very helpful but who I also don’t want to bother because they have their own jobs and lives and honey do lists. Also, I have found I am an excessive rambler now with writing and talking and I have about decided it is based in loneliness because there are some days I would never hear my voice if I weren’t talking to animals. And it always irritated me when people couldn’t get to the point. Now I am that people. Another topic for another time.
So, I have been putting off getting this thing done and moving the materials around from one room to another and finally took the time to figure out what I needed. It involved cutting and I wasn’t sure how I would do it or with what, and I may have mentioned this before, but I still can’t really read a tape measurer except for it is the second mark past ½ or something like that. David tried so many times to teach me, and he was a brilliant teacher. I am just not number, fraction, math, measurement, geometric, or direction oriented in any form. I also have trouble reading maps btw.
Anyway, I was surprised to learn that there was an inexpensive tool that was hanging right by the materials I bought a month ago. I never noticed it. Ended up only taking me 20 minutes to do the project and it was something I had been putting off for weeks. Turns out I just needed to decide I was going try today and figure out how to accomplish that.
So, I started thinking while I was cutting the not at all correctly measured and unstraight lines, are these tools we need always hanging right there at eye level, and I just don’t see them because my eyes are cloudy with grief and anxiety and pure frustration and bitterness over life not going my way? Every day is still a mystery to me. I am genuinely surprised at the end of each day that I got through another day..just me by myself. I know I am not alone. Plenty of people go through these struggles for a bevy of reasons. But are there tools there I don’t know about? Is there an easier way to get through this? Is there a universal guiding force pointing me in the right direction that I choose to listen to or ignore? Maybe just accepting that life is hard, and unpredictable, and not always fair is how people get through the days. Maybe the tools are hanging right there, and clearer minds and eyes can see them and that is why it seems like some people have it together more than others. Maybe other people just get everything they need on the first trip to the improvement store. Maybe it will take me more trips and to keep looking straight in front of me to understand how the world moved forward, the earth rotated, and I am still standing completely still.
Current interests: feeding the birds. procrastinating. searching for random kitchen items that are stored in boxes. wondering if this is all to life, TV, and reading spicy books with fiery dragons, and donaating my belongings.