March 17, 2026
Birthday 2 without you comes to a close. I debated writing anything because I figure it is sort of silly. I guess I felt a push to examine my feelings today being I have been avoiding doing that for a while. Maybe writing helps other people. Maybe it is good for me. Maybe it just keeps your memory going. Anyway, it was a weird day. I find myself struggling more these past months than even in the earlier days. I don’t know why. Maybe learning how to be on my own without you consumed more of my time. The days are long but yet they fly by. I have not been able to get the day of the week straight in. my head since those last few months before you died. This is very much a true story. I constantly have to look at a calendar or my phone for both the date and the day of the week. I think when I have said this in passing to people, they might think it is just something I say. Unfortunately, it is an everyday reality. It is a struggle to get out of bed each day. I’ve often heard people say that about depression and never fully experienced that feeling until this. Sure, there were always days I rather snuggle down under the warm covers rather than get up and make lunches, feed the animals and head off to work. This is different. This is spending hours (a number that makes me ashamed to admit) just literally trying to talk myself in to getting out of bed much less all the seemingly heavy, mundane chores that come next. There are so many days, that getting up feels like the sole big accomplishment of the day. Some people told me it got easier with time. Some people said it didn’t. It appears the latter group is right. For a whole year, I’ve done all the things to move forward without gaining much ground. I have had days when I laughed and thought “hey, this is progress” then I realized one day that the smile and the laughter wasn’t reaching my insides. It is just superficial. Still surface level. Still a mask. Still cold inside. You would have known the right things to say.
I miss you more than imaginable for so many reasons.