Lyrics from a song but a constant question I ask myself is how long does a heart break. How long does it take to adapt, adjust, accept? There isn’t an answer. Everyone is different. I found myself in a dark place not able to see my way forward. My brain has been foggy, and I am forgetful. I feel scrambled on the inside. Unsure. Incapable. Confidence is nonexistent. The loneliness is palpable. It has become its own being that goes everywhere with me. Goes to bed and wakes up with me. Rides shotgun in the car. Goes to work with its own little backpack packed full of reminders I will never have again. Eats with me. Wraps me up and smothers me like a heavy quilt of sadness. Prevents me from reaching out. Keeps me focused on details I cannot change. A few weeks ago, when I was struggling to hold on to reality, someone told me I wasn’t normal. That my behavior wasn’t normal. I knew I wasn’t ok but I felt this was something worse. It felt harsh but at the same time I began to realize that this person I had confided in heard it and pulled no punches. This person didn’t know the extent of it but knew something wasn’t right. I had resisted asking for an antidepressant because I didn’t want to dull the emotions. I didn’t want to be numb. I need to mourn and be sad and feel his loss. I didn’t want the side effects. Then, I didn’t have a choice. I found myself someplace I didn’t know how to leave. A place some don’t come back from. A place my own brave and strong willed father couldn’t come back from. Functioning became increasingly difficult. Finding a reason to get up each day has been arduous. Freud believed depression is rage turned inward. I think I can agree with that but also that depression is more complicated than that. I got a prescription because I didn’t know how to cope any longer. The white knuckling through the day wasn’t working. I have stopped crying. In fact, I can’t cry. I have tried. I can’t feel. I am numb. Now I have a broken heart and cannot feel it any longer. Heavy like cast iron. I know it is there. I know I should be feeling things. I need to cry. I really, really need to cry, but without the meds, crying was the least of my concern.
Moving on is (indeed) the hardest thing I have ever had to do. How long is it gonna take? How long does a heart break? Each second burns like hours and each hour feels like days.
