I felt David with me throughout the trip. Whether it was real or just my wanting so badly to believe he is still with me, Before he died, he promised if there was a way after he was gone, that he would send me signs. I found so many instances that he could have been listening to me. The first day in Wales, I went down to the craggy (rocky) beach. It was beautiful and nothing like I have seen before. I have seen all the different types of Pacific beaches in Hawaii, and of course our beautiful white sand of the Gulf, the tan dusty sand of the Atlantic but nothing like this rocky shore. I knew I loved the beaches and now I know they don’t have to just be sandy. It was chilly and windy, but I sat there alone watching and listening to the water lap back and forth on the smooth rocks and pebbles. I watched the wind turbines turning out in the sea, and I talked to David. I talked to him about the flight over, and I talked to him about feeling left out and like an intrusive third wheel, and I talked to him about how to keep going. I am so very lonely and while I felt the loneliness here too, I also found the first glimpse of peace. As I said before, it didn’t last but it was there. While I was scuffing around among the pebbles, I looked down to find one single tiny shell. There were no others around, anywhere. Not one. I felt like this was David. At least I wanted to feel like this was David. Only he and SL knows how many hours I could spend shell hunting on the beaches. Picking up treasures that I already had tons of at home like they were the first of their kind. This shell was just for me. I walked a ways and never spotted another one until three days later after continual rain and receding tides.
At Conwy Castle in Wales, the kids and I had been saying how David would have loved to see the architecture of these places and how he would be noticing all the things we never knew were there. Taking his own pictures of uncommon things in the ways only he could observe. Adam said throughout the trip how he would have liked to have seen David here or there and heard what he thought about this or that. I have often thought how Adam was robbed too. Of really getting to know such a kind and intelligent soul. He would have learned so much from David without David ever having to speak a word. In the short time he knew him, I believe Adam felt that too. I started to feel sad. At that exact moment, a pigeon flew right up to us on the ramparts where we were walking. I had this weird feeling with the way he just flew into our path. He stayed with us a while allowing us to take pictures and then he cocked his head in an odd way to reveal a heart shaped beak before he flew down to his friends. Was this a coincidence because the place was filled with pigeons? I don’t know.
I had a pretty bad anxiety attack at the Tower of London. So many people. So hot. I felt trapped and was 240 steps up and away from an exit. When I made it down to the fresh air and started the process of controlled breathing and grounding by using my senses to identify specific things in my surroundings, a pigeon walked over near me and just stood. He stood very near to me not moving until the kids made it outside to find me and then he flew away. Again, pigeons are everywhere. So are people. The difference being none of the people noticed my distress.
I found hearts in lots of places and always when I was talking or thinking about him or just feeling like that unwanted, third wheel. I know hearts are common shapes but still…For years, David gave me heart shaped things. Stone hearts, heart paintings, heart trinkets. He drew hearts for me on notes and the refrigerator. We found hearts in nature…
In Wales, Adam bought some rock for his mom. I could just end the story there and leave it to the imagination. To quote Wiki, Rock (often known by its place of origin, for instance Blackpool rock or Brighton rock) is a type of hard stick-shaped boiled sugar confectionery most usually flavored with peppermint or spearmint or other fruity flavors. It is commonly sold at tourist (usually seaside) resorts in the United Kingdom. It usually takes the form of a cylindrical stick and these cylinders usually have a pattern embedded throughout the length, which is often the name of the resort where the rock is sold, so that the name can be read on both ends of the stick (reversed at one end) and remains legible even after pieces are bitten off. Anywho, he wanted us to try it and we all picked a stick from the bag. The stick I chose had a heart in it. None of the others had that pattern or any other shape. I stopped in a shop in Llandudno before we left to pick up another bag for him and as I stood there looking through the bags, I couldn’t find any that had hearts. I am sure it wasn’t the only one made like that but it did happen to be the only one I chose, and I was unable to find another one even sorting through stacks of rock sticks. By the way, the rock tastes like peppermint sticks but without the peppermint. We had fruit flavored ones so imagine a rainbow or orange one tasting like fruity non peppermint sticks.
I guess if you want to see or believe or feel something or someone bad enough you eventually may be able to do that. I am tending to err on the side of there are universal signs and maybe he is with me and hearing me and guiding me when I need it the most just as he did when he was here in a different physical form. David grounded me. He centered me. He told me when enough was enough. He kept my temper and attitude and anxiety and my crazy in check. I lost that when I lost him. I am trying to find my way back from that and maybe trying to understand new ways in which he may be able to communicate with me now.
I don’t talk about my Dad a lot but losing him two months before David is something I am still struggling to process. At times, I feel the same ways about my dad trying to let me know he is here too. I think of him and something appears, although more subtly. It isn’t always in the way that David seems to, but I feel like he is there too. Standing in the background, quiet like always. I know there are unresolved feelings about his death because I didn’t have time to grieve him before losing an important part of myself. I have been continuously plummeting into a spiraling black hole ever since. Never able to touch the sides of the hole for very long before continuing the decent. This trip was probably too soon. I missed David more while there and even more than that since I got home. It was crystal clear I didn’t have anyone waiting on me at home. No one to really share my experiences with. I do not discount being with my daughter, but she is much younger, and we did not have the same experiences nor were we there in that foreign place for the same reasons.
I hope these are signs. David the shell. David the pigeon. David the heart. I hope he does hear me. I hope I will see him again. I hope I can find myself and who I am. I hope the nosedive into a hopeless and purposeless life will slow at some point. I don’t want to get used to the alternative.
