March 17, 2025
Today is David’s birthday. He should have turned 50 today. He should have been here when I turned 50 three weeks ago and when SL turned 20 three days ago. Here we are at another one of those “firsts”. I hate the thought of the “firsts”. I hate the mentioning of the “firsts”. I hate that they truly exist for me now in a palpable way. Cancer robbed us of time and caused us so much physical and emotional pain, but I still consider March 17, 1975, to be a pretty lucky day for me because maybe it was destiny.
Last year before his birthday I wrote about having sad thoughts such as how many more birthday and anniversaries David and I would get to celebrate together. I awoke on the morning of his last birthday plagued with the same intrusiveness, and I wrote that I decided to not give those thoughts the power they were demanding. Instead, I wrote a gratitude list of things about my favorite person while he was napping on the couch.
This year, I went to sleep and awoke with a sizable hole in my heart because I had my answer. There would be no more wondering how many more birthdays I would get to celebrate with him. There would be zero. I really had no will to write and publish this year because it is painful. I planned to go to bed early and watch mindless TV until I fell asleep, but I decided to make an effort. Most likely, I didn’t want to feel guilty for just wanting to shut my brain off over the unfairness and sadness I feel every day. Anyway, I sat down to make a list of what I miss about him. Looking over the list from last year, turns out the things are basically the same.
Happy Birthday David. My best friend. The bond of a lifetime I feel I may never come to terms with losing. I feel like the sun set for me when you left, but I am quite sure every time I look at the night sky, those stars are burning brighter than ever. You made life worth living and were a reason that someone kept getting up in the morning. Now, I do it because you asked me to keep doing it, and I don’t know what else to do. I hope you are happy wherever you are. I hope I get to know that happiness one day too. SL and I miss you so very much.
Here is what I miss.
-Your sense of humor
-Your beautiful mind
-Your willingness and skill to fix things
-Your unwillingness to let me feel sorry for myself
-Your natural ability to be a great Dad
-Your smile and dimples I can’t see because of the beard but know they are there.
-Your laughter when watching the most ridiculous movies and tv shows on earth
-Your introspectiveness
-Your back rubs
-Your willingness to listen
-Your enthusiasm when he teaches a class
-Your telling me, in detail, about the dreams he had while sleeping
-Your simplicity
-Your adaptability
-Your social awkwardness
-Your willingness to do what it takes
-Your orange shoes for no other reason than they make him happy
-Your bear hugs
-Your patience
-Your countless rewatching of movies he loves and can quote like Big Lebowski, Pulp Fiction, Dark Knight, O Brother Where Art Thou
-Your sarcasm
-Your made-up dad jokes
-Your compassion and non-judgement
-Your selective forgetfulness
-Your quick thinking
-Your love for animals (and our clowder of cats)
-Your sensitivity
-Your playing Jenga with the trash in the can to avoid taking it outside.
-Your silences
-Your excited explanations
-Your catching an insect and putting it safely out of the house without harming it.
-Your disproportionately skinny legs
-Your ability to build sand sculptures, and Lego, and anything you wanted
-Your voice
-Your brown eyes
-Your love for beef jerky, hot, hot sauces, and childlike joy for atomic fire balls
-Your positivity in the face of my pessimism
-Your fondness for Taylor Swift and your admittedly knowing all the lyrics and singing along to Taylor Swift
-Your lack of rhythm
-Your loyalty to the Atlanta Falcons
-Your creativity
-Your knowing exactly the right things to say and do
-Your strength (both physical and mental)
-Your kisses
-Your wonderment each day over something new you learned
-Your smirk
-Your acceptance
-Your analogies
-Your refrigerator notes, lunch notes, etc
-Your generosity
-Your stopping to move turtles out of the road
-Your shyness
-Your cold feet
-Your reaching to hold my hand
-Your love for cars and shows about cars
-Your hyper focus
-Your sense of direction
-Your spaghetti, banana pudding, anything grilled, pancakes, and cheese fries
-Your low-key competitiveness
-Your courage
-Your unabashed nerdiness
-Your advice
-Your writing and bad spelling
-Your friendship
-Your loud heartbeat
-Your uncanny ability to always eat the one thing I was saving for myself in the fridge
-Your silliness
-Your natural optimism
-Your support
-Your always, without fail, letting me know me when your ears pop like at higher altitudes or just for any reason at all.
-Your random ticklishness
-Your yelling at the football players on TV on Football Sunday, Monday, and Thursday
-Your unashamed choice of huge geriatric intended sunglasses just because they fit over your glasses.
-Your almost stereotypical French nonchalance
-Your sharing of social media videos you thought were interesting or funny
-Your surprise and amusement every single time when you told me something of interest you read or saw only for me to say yes I know because I AM THE ONE THAT TOLD/SENT YOU THAT!
-Your beard and your whole face
-Your sometimes maddeningly weird exuberance for beating me to checking the mail each day. Most days I forget it.
-Your unwavering “it will be ok even when it isn’t”
-Your willingness
-Your complete okayness with everything I did
-and pretty much just everything else.
