February 14, 2025
Dear David,
I dreaded today. Another first without you. The day for sweethearts and lovers. Those that have one. It wasn’t ever a huge deal to us because we had each other. You did have your romantic moments not always reserved for Valentine’s Day. And it is a huge deal with you not here. I miss you terribly so nothing new on that front. It has been a rough couple of weeks trying to work and grieve and trying not to fall apart completely. I had more than a few days where I really just didn’t want to function. Or think that I could. I am still losing time during the day but managing to keep up with work. I am still not sleeping well and not falling asleep until sometime in the early morning hours. It makes it even harder to get up. I am sad and bored at night because you aren’t here to talk to. Nothing seems to fill that space. Absolutely nothing.
I made a plan to stay busy all day today from the time I woke up until I could hardly stand and that is what I did. I spent the day cleaning out our playhouse/shed full of junk. I have a trash pick up scheduled this week and gathered up a bunch of stuff to donate too. I hope to get that done tomorrow. Most all of this stuff was clothes and some of SL’s old things. There is still a lot left, but I got it completely emptied then put things back cleaner and more organized. We hated doing stuff like that and I guess that is why we have sheds full of stuff we didn’t want to deal with. I will work on it little by little. I stayed so busy I forgot to eat but really it was probably more that I didn’t want to go into the empty house and risk sitting down and feeling the loneliness try to strangle me, so I skipped it. It was good busy because I only had time to think about the next thing I was doing. I did hear you say a few times, we may need that for something. I figure that voice will get louder once I move on to sorting your things at some point… or never. I don’t know why I did this today other than I needed to stay really occupied. Otherwise, I would have just been sad like all the other days but worse. I am grateful to my Dad for building that playhouse all those years ago and especially for running electricity to it. With the house floods on and the little lamp, I was able to keep working past 9 in order to get finished and also avoided coming inside too early. It is a weird feeling. Not having to stop things to make or pick up dinner or check on if you took your meds or just stop to spend time with you or just not do it at all just to spend time with you. That is one thing I guess we can say. We let stuff go around here, but we spent time together for sure. The junk is still here because we did a lot of what we wanted to do. I don’t and won’t regret that. Ever. I need to hold on to that thought when I am feeling overwhelmed about all the catching up with yard and house maintenance we had to let go the past two years and then before that when we just didn’t feel like doing things. As you would say, it is ok.
The daffodils are starting to bloom, and I picked a few the other day. We always had those at Valentines or my birthday didn’t we? You would pick enough to fill the largest vases. Every year, you heard me say I was going to plant more bulbs to have a yard full of those yellow sunshines on stems that made us so happy during those chilly weeks in February. Maybe this fall will be the year. I will forever think of you when I see them. Like with most everything else.
Facebook reminded me today of a nice Valentines 10 years ago. We went to the cabin with SL and took her to the river to mess around skipping stones and trying not to fall into that cold water while walking across the slippery rocks. One of your favorite places to be. So in that vein of Valentines memories, I sat down just now and did one of those how we met question things. It is past tense, but I have some good memories to close my eyes to later on.
How’d you guys meet? 6th grade – Ms. Holloway’s class remember?
Who was interested first? This was always a running debate. You said you were.
First Date? Movie I think. I bet you would have a good guess. I am thinking it was one of those “double features” you could catch if you planned it just right. Sleeping with the Enemy and The Hand that Rocks the Cradle. Of course, those just may have been ones of the many we sometimes saw back to back.
Married? 25 years and 3 months
Age difference? I am 18 days older
Who is taller? You were taller
Who said I love you first? Me most likely
Most impatient? Me and you wouldn’t argue that would you?
Most sensitive? Again, me
Loudest? I don’t think either of us are considered loud were we?
Most stubborn- YOU YOU YOU
Falls asleep first? -Me. You were the night owl.
Cooks better? – I cooked more but you had that great banana pudding.
Better driver? – I think we both drove pretty well. You just didn’t prefer to drive.
Most competitive? I think you. When SL was little and we were playing a game, I would say let her win. You would say. “Psh.. No way because if she ever beats me, think how accomplished she will feel”
Funniest? – You were always funnier. One of many big things I miss.
Where do you eat out most as a couple? We liked to eat out all sorts of places. Another thing I miss. No one to do that with anymore.
Who is more social? You wanted to be. One big regret I have is feeling like I held you back.
Who is the neat one? I would say I was just more organized rather than neat. Your ADHD didn’t allow much space for organizing.
Who initiated your first kiss? I believe it was mutual according to the poem you wrote me about it.
Who picks where you go to dinner? We both offered choices then decided together usually. Sometimes we got take out from different places because we couldn’t decide or wanted a sampling. Just depended on the mood.
Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong? Me no doubt since your response always was “when I am ever wrong I will admit it”. And you weren’t wrong too often.
Spends the most? We usually decided on stuff together I guess.
Did you go to the same school? Yes since 6th grade and even the first two years of college.
Who drives when you are going somewhere? I mostly always drove because you didn’t like to drive that much because it was “boring”. It makes for difficult driving when you want to read and talk and do other stuff. You always offered if I was tired and that was nice.
Happy Valentines Day, Daddy. Nothing is right in the world without you. I love you most. -d
