January 14, 2025
Dear David,
My writing is helpful to me, but it seems to be upsetting people who are able to read it. I don’t think people are comfortable with raw emotions. I write what I feel. I had hoped by continuing it may help people. You know I am not good with vulnerability, but I reached out to someone recently that had experienced spousal loss and the person said some things that has left me wishing I had never said anything at all. I have been going over this in my mind and I don’t understand. I believe you would tell me that people see things differently and maybe my pain brings back reminders of their own that they rather not confront again. At any rate, I did make a big leap and talk to a therapist today. It was painful and I don’t know if I will go back because I am looking for so many answers that no one can give me but you. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time. I made the drive alone and it was sad and scary and I had a lot of anxiety and I had to stop for gas so that was equally ridiculously, unexplainably, intimidating but I did it as I have done in the past because there is no other choice now. You never ever judged me for my weirdness.
The sky was nice coming home. I haven’t seen one like that in a while or maybe I just stopped looking up. I used to look forward to the afternoon sky and sunsets, you know that. Nearly running us off the road looking at the clouds I could never get enough of. Doesn’t seem to be any point or joy anymore. Even in the clouds. I played tag with a sun beam and a little rainbow prism escorted me the whole way home so that was nice. I also listened to angry loud music on the way back and that was nice too.
I had a rough day yesterday when I had to go and do some legal stuff with the death certificates and things but our attorney was friendly and reminded me of what I needed to do, so I got a few things accomplished. I wasn’t able to think about some things that I still need to do that would remove your name from stuff. All of that seems so cold and like losing you again or erasing you from the life that is still here albeit not the same at all. I went to the grocery store for a few things and the first I have done in weeks since you got sick. It was terrifying and I froze for a moment on an aisle thinking I couldn’t do it and contemplated abandoning the buggy. It all sounds so foolish when you write it down. But it was real and scary to me. The tears were coming stinging and hot, but I managed to make it to the car where I sat and cried for a bit before I could leave. I am so scared of being alone and missing you so much it pains me and it has only been 11 days.
I truly do believe you can die of a broken heart, and I am trying to not do that but there aren’t a lot of things for me out here. Some people I encountered around town yesterday don’t care about their job much less my immense loss.
SL wanted something from the bakery so while over there of course I had to look at the non-birthday birthday cakes. I got one of those cute little round ones we always looked at but never got because,,,well….you know…no corners. You would have liked the yellow icing. When I got home, I took the fork and just ate a few bites like we liked to do when we got one of the square cakes and couldn’t be bothered to just cut a neat, normal slice like a human being. It is not the same having something I once loved so much without the person I love so much to share it with. Just add that to the ever-growing list of things without meaning anymore. I tried a bath to keep from being a continual drag hanging out with the kids who are so nice to put up with my melancholy and infinite sadness. (You know I always liked that album. I think you bought it for me) Anyway, I added bubbles and tried to talk to you and ask you for some clarity on things and realized I was just staring, and the water had gone cold and the bubbles almost disappeared when I noticed one floating toward me. It looked like a heart. I swirled the rest of the suds around trying to see if that was just a natural formation and couldn’t replicate it so maybe you were trying to talk to me? Hard to not feel like that is just wishful foolish thinking but that is about all I have now. So, I don’t know if I should keep writing my feelings if it just will cause upset to people who feel the need to state the obvious like “you need help” or to “just go back to work”. You would say why care what people think but I know people miss you too and it is heartbreaking for a lot of people that care. I just don’t know how many times to say I need time. I try to be honest. I try to really say it is horrible and miserable and I don’t see a way through, and I don’t think people know what to do with that. Being bereaved isn’t a problem to be fixed. I just don’t know what I am doing without you. I have lost my lighthouse. Everything is dark and rocky and dangerous. And it is night again and time stops at night and the thoughts and questions like to spiral at night. Turtles all the way down.
