July 25, 2024
I’ve started writing this entry at least a of couple times and started it in my head a lot more times than that. Over the last few months there has usually been a reason why I haven’t wanted to stop and go back over what’s happened. In May, I wanted to just get away to the beach for a few days with DeeGee and not think about any of this and for the most part that worked. But afterwards, I found the next appointments just came that much quicker. On to more liver tumors and planning for ablation and then the ablation itself. After that, I found myself in a place, where, every day, I compared myself to where I was last year at the same time. Back then, feeling the worst I had felt and not knowing anything. Scattered memories of how I felt along the way and sometimes tied to pictures or events from that time. Then came the actual anniversaries of procedures and diagnoses of being anemic and learning about the cancer. Each one didn’t just feel like it did at the time. It was that plus a solid year of treatment on top of it. There have been some positive feelings about knowing what it is and that I didn’t let it just keep going. Also on the positive side of things are all the people that have helped me since then. If I’m honest though, it is difficult to wrap my mind around that the reason I have these things to be thankful for is because I have cancer. I’ve tried the best I can over the last few months. That’s for sure. I did finally decide that I was willing and able enough to seek out some counseling services. That’s been a long time coming because having done it in the past, I knew I wasn’t ready before now to actually participate fully in it. Of course, it means being patient (ha! pun) and waiting for appointments like anything else, but I did feel better even after one appointment. I’m not looking forward to another ablation procedure or the Y90 stuff, but I am looking forward to being rid of a few more tumors and possibly stopping or shrinking others. I still have some pain on various days and have to manage that along with keeping an eye on how I’m feeling otherwise, too. I’m still not great about getting ahead of the pain or staying ahead of it throughout the day along with forgetting things and having a hard time deciding on stuff occasionally. I am grateful that I’m still willing and able to have treatments and overall healthy enough by keeping weight on, etc.
On more positive notes, I’m still shocked at how much better plants do with fertilizer. We’ve had enough tomatoes to keep us in sandwiches, fried green tomatoes, and just plain cut up fresh tomatoes as a side dish for sure. Even enough to share a few, too. My peppers are putting off a little slower, but that’s expected and they’re still doing better than any time in the past. I have even had the patience to let some of the jalapeños get giant sized as promised and even a couple of the Cajun Bells to pass from green to red. Those along with the hot banana peppers are nice for a kinda sweet heat. I’m definitely thankful to be able to eat all that stuff again when I definitely could not last year. I’ve watched too many tv shows to remember but a lot of them have been funny and made me laugh which I really have needed. We got a tall shelf and put it together for all my Lego stuff, hour glasses, and whatnot, so I can see those easier and pick what I want to watch while I’m writing things like this. I’ve also taken to going back to some of my circle-a-word (word search) books from last year (I date a page when I do it) and that really helps focus my mind elsewhere for a while. Caught up, finished and started some shows over the past couple of months: Suits, Resident Alien, East Bound and Down, Scooby Doo, Cobra Kai, You, Your Honor, Exploding Kittens, Hudsucker Proxy (which DeeGee swears we saw in the theater when it came out 30 years ago but I don’t remember it), Tacoma F.D.
All this to say that I’m hoping I can write a little more because it does make me feel better in the long run. Along with the fact that I’m really thankful that DeeGee is here to keep the other updates coming because I couldn’t get through this without her, and I definitely wouldn’t keep everybody updated like she does, obviously.
