March 22, 2024
Cancer has taken a lot from me. It feels cliche even to write but it’s true, it has. From the beginning, it slowly pushed on the brakes of my life. Sometimes things changed quickly, other times things just slowly glided to a stop. At first it was hard to even tell. There are so many changes so fast and so many expectations that I hardly noticed or figured things were just temporary. First, my classes were postponed then canceled because of tests, appointments, and follow-ups. Then, my ability to even predict my schedule was washed away by more of those things along with surgery, recovery, chemotherapy, and anything else in-between. Don’t get me wrong, I was/am very lucky to be able to stop and do all of these things with the support of family and others. Given the opportunity, I’d do the same thing again, too. I remember thinking that just after this next recovery period things could start getting back to whatever my new normal would be. It was around the third or fourth change to my treatment plan when I realized I was more along for the ride than I was driving. Of course, I could still make all the decisions, but I wasn’t going to trade putting off treatments just for some stubborn attempt at control. I’m sure DeeGee could describe it better, but I felt it creep into my personality and change it.
Shortly after cancer was even mentioned, I pretty much lost a weekend to thinking the worst thoughts I possibly could about treatments and outcomes. After a few days of that, I promised myself never to do that again, and I haven’t. But the feelings still stick around and occasionally haunt me. I can feel it cast its shadow over me. As time passed, plans changed, things were switched around, postponed, and canceled. I adjusted to this as my new life, at least for now. Then came the side effects. Fortunately for me, the side effects have not been too bad but still noticeable. A daily reminder that things aren’t as they were. I’ve lived with some amount of depression most of my life and have had plenty of meds and counseling on it, but I felt it set in, too. Gone were the things I found fun no matter how I tried to do them. I went from a person who couldn’t wait for a shower to start his day to actually feeling sick at the thought of the water touching my skin. Luckily, DeeGee was around to keep me on track and pushing forward every day on that and more. My love of drinking water vanished and the thought and taste of it turned my stomach. Needless to say, that and everything else are the last things you need to have problems with during cancer treatment when your body needs more care and attention, certainly not less. Currently I’ve been able to keep better track of my water intake and make sure at least most days I’ve met or exceeded my goals. In the beginning, food lost its meaning in every shape and form. Not just based on fears of eating things that would cause what I’ll generally describe as lower abdominal discomfort (sometimes intense pain and bleeding) but also that it was just something I had to do to survive day to day. I watched my weight drop like I’ve never seen in my life, and for the first time, I had to put a lot of effort into eating just to try and stop the weight loss before I could even think about trying to gain weight. Fortunately, I’m doing much better in this area now and seem to be able to maintain a reasonable and steady weight.
Then there’s the clothes. When all this started it was my regular summer standard of cargo shorts and a t-shirt. That went on for at least part of the summer, but as more and more appointments came and went with more exams it became workout shorts and a t-shirt. As late fall and winter came it became workout pants and a t-shirt. I’ve never been a fan of workout pants, but I can’t argue with the fact that they’re easier to deal with when you know you’ll need to change into a gown or slide them around. Which brings me around to today and the title of this post. When I’m feeling bad and have to rest, it’s my usual house clothes I turn to, but I try to add one more outfit to the group when I can. Even though I can’t do much if any actual work due to radiation and surgery recovery, when I can, I try to change out of my house or appointment clothes and into an old pair of work jeans and a work t-shirt, with my old belt and some suspenders for good measure along with some old work shoes. Then, I go out on the back patio to read, write, or otherwise occupy myself for a little sun. Sometimes, I will sit on the front porch if I just want some fresh air. It makes me feel better. Worn denim and a t-shirt, that is a few years too old, feel so much better than elastic banded pants.
Current Interests: Timelines of Everything (ages 9-12 but still darn interesting) I like finding out things have been around longer than I’ve thought or even better that things are newer than I thought. – Medical Bill Spreadsheets (always a good time, but also let me play with a few ideas then remind myself that simple and to the point is almost always best). – Drinking more water. – Gotham (tv show) Seasons 1-3 so far. I’m conflicted about this show for sure. The story and storytelling can be very tedious at times, but it’s actually created interest in some of the characters I thought I had no interest in earlier. I like the set design. Love the mix of art deco with midcentury touches with 90’s technology sprinkled in and around just for good fun. That must drive anyone looking for a time stamp absolutely insane, but since comics like this generally don’t have a specific time, I think it makes it that much more fun. Which brings me to the cars. 😀 That’s really gotta drive people nuts, but I think it’s another great mix. Some great older cars mixed with a lot of plain boxy non-descript models from the 70’s and 80’s. Anywhoo… I’m making my way through it. I guess I’ll go about 50/50 so far irritation and pleasure with it.
