It’s been awhile since I could and felt like writing. First things first I’d like to thank the countless people who have helped out since this began and especially over the last month or so. Everything from thoughts and prayers to donations to unexpected kindnesses and efforts too many to list. Each and every one has made a difference every day. Thank you. I am more than well loved, and I feel it.
I’m also very appreciative to have less pain now than after surgery. Even with pain pills, the first week or so was definitely one of the most challenging things I’ve gone through. At times being in enough pain not to be able to move significantly or get up without help is a very humbling experience. Thankfully by the end of week 2 or so I can say that I no longer need either of my pain pills from surgery, and I can get around mostly by myself. This is a little more challenging time because I feel better but I still have to remember not to bend over or twist or pick up things over 7 pounds or so. It’s not ideal, but it’s a lot easier to remember that stuff when there’s a sharp jolting pain every so often to remind you that you’re not “ok.” All that said, I feel like I’m doing very well with my recovery and people and doctors around me seem to agree with that, too. I keep moving and try to walk some extended time daily to keep blood clots away (and to avoid the daily shots I would have had to take to avoid them, it’s a small price to pay).
My adventure with radiation started this week. Oddly enough it’s the quickest and easiest thing I’ve done so far, but it also seems to be one of the most anxiety inducing parts yet. I’ll explain. There are no needles, no tests, no ports of anything. Everything is done for me, I literally just have to lay down and be still for maybe 10 minutes at most (15 minutes in and out the door total). I lay down on the machine table, the lights dim, and the super nice people pull me into position and line up the Sharpie marks I have along my hip line to lasers that crisscross the room to get me into rough position. They’re great about saying what they’re doing and reassuring me in whatever ways I might need. Eventually they leave and that’s when it happens. The Machine starts moving. So far I’ve had enough scans to fill a binder and at least 3 different ways for each type of scan along with spending anywhere from half an hour to hours in machines but nothing has affected me like this. Before I continue, I should make clear that everything that follows is in my head. There’s nothing actually dangerous or really scary about this process at all. Marching on… two scanning arms come out to find out exactly where my tumor is in relation to the machine. As they move, unfold, and rotate around it’s hard for me not to think of some Terminator or Decepticon reaching around me. There’s no feeling or pain, just rotation all the way around me then waiting for the table I’m laying on to bump side to side and up and down for it’s final adjustments. When all is said and done they fold away and go back where they came from. Half way through my first time I had one of those cutaway fantasies you see in movies and TV where I saw my self just completely noping out of there, rolling off the table, and running out of the building. I feel like they probably would have caught me just on the other side of the 6 inch lead door with all the cool radiation warning stickers on it though. Maybe a minute passes before the hum/buzz of the radiation head starts as it begins rotating clockwise around me. Compared to the other heads this one is massive and moves slowly and steadily all the way around me. At some point the bottom of this head came into contact with something that left 2 good size scratches deep into the paint so I always wonder how that happened. But my favorite part is that whoever touched up these scars used the exact same color touchup paint as the original machine, there’s not a shade of difference which I find kinda amazing. Anywhoo. It completes one rotation, pauses, then starts its way back around me counter clockwise. During both rotations my mind can’t really get away from the idea of radiation being beamed into and through me even though there’s no feeling whatsoever. Literally minutes later it’s done and has started to return to it’s home position above me when the full lights come back on and the nice people are back to help me off the table, smile, and send me on my way. That’s it, nothing to it. In and out in less time that I’ve waited in the waiting room of other appointments. The only other different part is that it happens every single day five days a week and I have to take a handfull of chemo pills twice a day every day that I have radiation treatment. Honestly, I try not to think much about those, just count them out, double check, and then swallow them always with food. They say it can take up to two and a half weeks for some of the less pleasant side effects to show up so I’m not looking forward to that, but I am looking forward to it shrinking my tumor and having less bleeding and swelling from it. All in all for me it’s still worth it. Everything from the real pain that can last days and weeks to the completely in my head anxiety that lasts minutes.
Current Interests: Mannix Season Five, Young Sheldon, Benny’s Spaceship, Spaceship, SPACESHIP! Lego set that I’ve had 10 years before I started putting it together, Crazy Aaron’s Thinking Putty, Garry Trudeau’s Alpha House, Tig Notaro’s One Mississippi, Todd and the Book of Pure Evil with Jason Mewes
